Usual A/N: Don’t own any of it, never claimed to, so don’t sue. ;)
Apologies to Rowling for mangling her characters.
I don’t particularly like Mary Sues, and would relish in the chance to purge just about every fandom of them. However, since life is seldom fair, this is as close as I can get.
I don’t take anonymous reviews; if you want to flame, that’s fine, but you’ll not be doing it anonymously.
If you catch spelling, grammatical, or punctuation mistakes please tell me! I look these over, occasionally remember to employ a beta reader, and I run spell check and the like, but things still get missed on occasion.

Oh, one more thing: Please be aware that I’m aware of the rip in the space time continuum here; yes, I know if Lockhart’s a teacher, Dobby must still belong to the Malfoys.
However, for those familiar with the origins of the Lockhart comments, you’ll appreciate that it was not left out entirely.
For those not familiar with the origins of the Lockhart comments please refer to the Livejournal community marysues.

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Tviokh left the potions classroom amid the sounds of shrieking and screaming.
“He must’ve removed the Mutus spell, hm, can’t say I blame him. I’d want to listen to her suffer if she’d called me ‘kissy wissy Sevvie wevvy’ too…especially in front of someone else!”
“There you are! I found Dobby for you,” exclaimed an overly exuberant Harry, and startling Tviokh out of her mental snickering at the phrase “Sevvie wevvy”.
A creature, looking not unlike a very cute version of Gollum, poked its head out from behind Harry’s robes.
“Harry Potter tells Dobby that Tviokh needs his help?”  The large eyed, brownish creature squeaked.
“Yes Dobby, I hear you’re pretty good at tampering with bludgers.”
The house elf’s large ears sagged, and he answered miserably, “Yes, yes, Dobby has done that, but Dobby did not want to, Dobby’s family made him do it.”
“He sounds like Bob Dole!” Tviokh thought to herself as she knelt down to look Dobby square in his oversized eyes. “Dobby, are you familiar with the creatures known as Mary Sues?”
Dobby shuddered, “Dobby is. Awful, awful creatures!”
“Good, good, now, Dobby, the reason I asked Harry to fetch you concerns Mary Sues….”
Dobby nodded timidly, and waited for her to continue.
“Do you think, Dobby, it would be possible for you to..Ah..’bewitch’ both bludgers in the next Quidditch match?” she asked while glancing around to make sure nobody else was listening.
“What does Tviokh want Dobby to make the bludgers do?” he asked, rather apprehensively.
Tviokh grinned, then leaned over and whispered something in Dobby’s ear.
As she did, Dobby’s eyes went even wider (if that were possible), and his ears stood nearly straight up.
“NO!! Dobby cannot do that!” Dobby shrieked and backed up a few steps, “Please, do not ask Dobby to do that!”
“Dobby, remember, these are Mary Sues, they aren’t normal students. They aren’t even human! Given half the chance, they would,” Tviokh paused to think of a failsafe way to get Dobby to agree to her request, ”they would try to harm Harry Potter!”
Dobby gasped, but stopped backing up.
“Harm…Harry Potter…?”
“Yes.” Tviokh nodded gravely.
Harry, noticing Dobby’s confusion, added in a very sullen tone of voice, “Tatiana, has already replaced me as Gryffindor Seeker.”
Dobby squeaked.
Tviokh’s attention suddenly rounded on Harry, “When did this happen?!”
“I…just yesterday, before you arrived. She claims her father taught her to play Quidditch, and that she was the youngest seeker at her previous school. In fact, she’s only ten years old, but was admitted here on account of her father being who he is.” Harry looked at his shoes, rather dejectedly.
By this point, Dobby was pawing incessantly at Harry’s robes and nearly wailing, “Harry Potter mustn’t be sad, Dobby will help, good Dobby always helps!”
Tviokh snickered, “Wrong movie, Dobby.”
Dobby paused in his pawing of and wailing into Harry’s robes and looked up at Tviokh with those creepy, oversized eyes of his. “Dobby apologizes, Dobby had an audition earlier today…” he gave a wan smile and a shrug.
“Dobby will do what Tviokh requests, but….”
“But what, Dobby?”
“Dobby is concerned that Dobby will be in trouble if the creature is…” Dobby paused, “What Dobby is trying to say is, Dobby is not a Hunter like good Tviokh and…” he cleared his throat and made an unmistakable ‘money’  movement with his long, spider-like fingers.
Tviokh sighed, “House elves aren’t supposed to get paid!”
Before Dobby could respond, Harry stepped in. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault…well…partly Hermione’s fault too, but see, after Dobby was freed, we may have helped put the idea in his head that…” he trailed off, withering under Tviokh’s glare, “…that…he should be paid for the work he does…” he finished meekly.
Dobby grinned.
Tviokh weighed her options for a moment, then decided it’d just be best (read: easiest for her) to pay the elf to partially do her job.
“How much?”
Dobby blinked, “What?”
“How much do you want for the job?” Tviokh said with a vaguely irritated sigh.
“Oh!” Dobby squealed, seemingly overjoyed, “Oh, Dobby will do it for free! Dobby hates Mary Sues as much as any wizard. Dobby just wanted to make sure he was respected as a person!”
Tviokh grumbled, but decided it’d be best not to argue, lest she find herself out a few galleons. “All right Dobby, let’s get started!”
Dobby nodded and disappeared down the hall.
“Harry, will Tatiana be playing in today’s game?”
“Of course,” he said with more than a hint of dislike, “she’s the new seeker, remember?”

Off in the background, a door slammed.
Several seconds later a sobbing, well endowed, girl with red eyes and flowing, shiny black hair that glittered like the night sky (whatever that means) came rushing down the corridor.
She was dressed in what looked like a Sailor Scout costume, only it was all shades of black and gray.
Tviokh raised an eyebrow and glanced at Harry.
Before either of them could react, the girl threw her arms around Harry’s neck and started sobbing into his ear.
Harry looked rather stunned, but managed to mutter something to the effect of, “There there, you’ll be okay, we’ve got a Quidditch match against Slytherin this afternoon and we need our seeker. Why don’t you go talk to Hermione before the game, I’m sure she can help cheer you up!”
The red-eyed girl sniffled and nodded, then ran off to find Hermione.
Tviokh could have killed her right then and there, but remembering what Dobby was busy setting up, she held back.
After all, rogue bludgers can be fun.
Harry grimaced, “That was her…”
Tviokh quirked a brow, “…and she’s TEN?! Good lord, she looks about my age!” she cleared her throat, “Anyway, what was she sobbing about?”
“I couldn’t understand all of it, but she mentioned something about Lockhart refusing to kiss her and feeling rejected and ugly.” He shrugged, “Maybe Lockhart’s not as dense as one would think.”
“Harry, she’s ten years old, remember? Lockhart may be an overstuffed braggart, but I seriously doubt Dumbledore would hire a pedophile.” Tviokh wrinkled her nose, “I suppose it doesn’t really matter though, as she’s not really human, she’s a Mary Sue.”
Harry looked confused, “Tviokh, Lockhart hasn’t taught here in over a year…”
“It’s never wise to question the Mary Sue’s story Harry.” she gave him a very severe look, “Thinking about it for too long may well cause your head to explode!”
Harry stared at her with a horrified expression on his face.
Tviokh laughed, “Put it out of your mind, none of it will matter after the game today!” She paused for a moment, then gave Harry a quizzical look, “Say Harry, when does the Quidditch match start?”
Harry, his head filled with visions of Head Explodey, stammered, “Twenty…twenty five…minutes. It starts in twenty five minutes.”
“Great. You go grab a seat, I need to talk with both teams, minus Tatiana, before the match.”
She paused, “I’ll be sitting up with Dumbledore. Be sure to pay attention to Dobby’s bludgers, and to the snitch; I’ll be guiding that one,” Tviokh grinned. “You know, just to make Dobby’s job a little easier.”
Harry smiled and went to find Hermione and Ron, as he was sure neither would want to miss the upcoming show.

Tviokh hurried to make it to the Pitch before Tatiana finished sobbing her tale of Lockhart-woe to Hermione.
She poked her head into the area that currently held the Gryffindor Quidditch team, “Hullo, I’m looking for Oliver Wood!”
One of the boys stepped forward, “I’m Wood, and who are you?”
“Tviokh. Mary Sue hunter.”
Oliver, and the rest of the team, eyed her with suspicion.
Tviokh cleared her throat, “I’m here to take care of your ‘seeker’ Tatiana.”
At this, the entire team brightened.
“The bludgers have both been tampered with, they’ll only chase her. I’ll be controlling the snitch. Dumbledore’s in on this, so don’t worry about getting into any trouble, and I’ll be off to tell the Slytherin team once I finish here. Please do not attempt to keep the bludgers away from her, with any luck, it’ll all be over quickly.”
“Why will you be controlling the snitch?” Wood asked with a rather confused expression on his face.
Tviokh smirked, “To make the bludgers’ job easier.”
With that she turned on heel and walked out.
The Gryffindor team stood, shell shocked, for a moment before breaking out into loud cheers.
At that moment, Tatiana walked in.
Her previously-red-but-now-crystalline-blue, catlike eyes were brimming with tears of joy.
“It’s nice to see you all love me so much! Oh, I have such wonderful friends!” she beamed at her teammates.
Wood just rolled his eyes.

The Slytherin team didn’t require much of an explanation, they were content to leave it at “let the bludgers hit Tatiana.”
Despite the fact that Tatiana was Lord Voldemort’s daughter, she happened to be in Gryffindor, so they were more than happy to let her take a bludger or two to the head.
The beaters did, however, look rather disappointed when they were told they were not to try to hit the bludgers in Tatiana’s direction either.
Tviokh paused in the doorway, “Oh, and Draco?” she turned to look at him.
“What?”
”Stay away from the snitch.”
Draco opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by a malicious grin and the addition of “…that is, if you want to keep your head on your shoulders.”
He paled slightly and nodded.
With that, Tviokh left to find her seat and await the start of the match.

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How many of you caught the head explodey reference? ;)

Chapter 5

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