Usual A/N: Don’t own any of it, never claimed to, so don’t
sue. ;)
Apologies to Rowling for mangling her characters.
I don’t particularly like Mary Sues, and would relish in the chance to purge
just about every fandom of them. However, since life is seldom fair, this is as
close as I can get.
I don’t take anonymous reviews; if you want to flame, that’s fine, but you’ll
not be doing it anonymously.
If you catch spelling, grammatical, or punctuation mistakes please tell
me! I look these over, I run spell check and the like, but things still get
missed on occasion.
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“It appears that this Tatiana creature is in Gryffindor.” Tviokh paused to
scratch her head briefly with her pen, “Hrm, if Potter would get back with that
elf, I’d just ask him to take me to McGonagall.”
Glancing around in various directions she realized, “This whole damned place
looks the same. Hrm, well, I’m not going to get anything done just standing arou…”
“What are you doing? And why are you dressed like that AND not in class?” A
vaguely irritated voice from the shadows inquired.
She whirled around and answered the disembodied voice, “In the order asked: I’m
trying to figure out which hallway will lead me in the general direction of
Professor McGonagall, I’m dressed like this because it’s comfortable, and I’m
not in class because I’m a bit too old to be a student here.”
“If you’re not a student, why are you here?” was the silky reply.
“I’m hunting Mary Sues.”
There was a faint gasp from the shadows; a few seconds later a rather tall,
fairly thin man in billowing black robes stepped out into the muted light of
the hallway.
“Ah, let me guess, you’re the weak willed, bad tempered, cynical, sarcastic,
big nosed, greasy haired, nasty little Goth wannabe that Voldemort was
complaining about earlier?” Tviokh said with a smile.
The man flushed in anger, “I am Severus Snape, Potions Master and head of
Slytherin house!” he snapped.
“Oh good! I’ll need to talk to you after I catch and dispose of one Tatiana
Marie Ariel Wyspyr Riddle. So, could you point me in the general direction of Gryffindor
Tower?”
Snape got a somewhat wicked gleam in his eyes, “Follow me.”
Before Tviokh had time to disagree, argue, or otherwise protest, he started off
down the hallway. Having nothing better to do but stand around and look
confused, she followed.
It didn’t take her very long to realize that she was not, in fact, headed
towards any sort of tower, Gryffindor or otherwise.
Towers tend not to be underground, nor do they tend to be nicknamed “dungeons”.
“Oh well,” she thought to herself, “One of the two I’m after is in Slytherin,
and it’s just a slight change of plans to get rid of Marielle Fleur Aislann
Snape Riddle before Tatiana Marie Ariel…whatever…”
Her internal conversation was cut short due to the fact that Snape stopped, and
she had not; this resulted in a collision that slammed him into the door of the
potions lab.
“AH! Watch what you’re doing!” he growled as he rubbed his nose, “If I didn’t
know better, I’d swear your last name was Longbottom!”
“Aren’t the Longbottoms in the wizard equivalent of a lunatic asylum?”
“I meant their idiot son.”
”Oh.” Tviokh stood mutely for a moment or three, waiting for Snape to either
open the door, explain how he confused the phrase ‘Gryffindor Tower’ with ‘My
Potions Classroom’, or do both.
Snape eventually took a deep breath, and opened the door a crack to peer inside.
“Look, Severus, I’m sure this is all very interesting and all but I’m here to
find…”
”Shut up!” he cut her off, “Look in there.”
Before Tviokh had a chance to react, he grabbed her shoulder and shoved her in
front of the crack in the door.
“Watch that thing!” he hissed.
Peering through the crack in the door, she saw what looked like the Lucky
Charms logo crossed with a 15-year-old girl.
It appeared to be cleaning the classroom and humming Irish folk tunes as it did
so.
“That’s quite a foul specimen you’ve got there, Severus!” Tviokh whispered.
“BE QUIET!” he snapped, a bit louder than intended; immediately he clapped a
hand over his mouth, but it was too late.
“Sev? Sevvie? Is that you?” came the reply, half in song.
Tviokh looked back at Severus and grinned, “Sevvie…?”
The only reply she received was in the form of a look that would make even Volde...er...Lord
Voldemort recoil.
Before either of them could react, or even begin to formulate a plan, the door
was flung open and Tviokh found herself standing face to face with the
strangest of creatures.
It was dressed like the Lucky Charms logo, only the outfit was in the form of a
skin-tight, emerald green dress.
It had long, wavy, flaxen hair and large crystalline blue eyes complemented by
flawless ivory skin and full pouty lips.
It was disgusting.
The creature bounced suggestively and thrusted a flawless hand at Tviokh, “Hi!
I’m Erinn Serena McBlarney! I’m half leprechaun, one quarter fae, one quarter
elf, half vampire and half werewolf!”
“That equals more than a whole.” Tviokh muttered, while staring at the creature’s
outstretched hand, trying to avoid direct eye contact.
“What? Oh, I’m not good at arithmancy, if that’s what you’re asking.” it
giggled.
The creature then turned on poor Professor Snape, “Hi Sevvie! I finished
organizing everything by name, then by date, then by what’s cutest to what’s
yuckiest!” she ran a flawless hand through her flawless hair, then proceeded to
adjust her flawless (stuffed) bosom.
“It only took me six hours, but I don’t mind! It was easy peasy lemon squeezey
and I’d do anything for my kissy wissy Sevvie wevvy!”
Severus blinked once, turned a ghostly white, and stood, motionless, as though
he was too terrified to move or speak.
The creature bounded towards Severus, either to hug him, kiss him, or eat his
face off.
Not being sure which option an unpredictable creature like a
leprechaun/fae/elf/vampire/werewolf would choose, Tviokh assumed the worst and
thrust her wand at McBlarney’s head, “Crucio!”
The monster immediately dropped to the floor screaming and writhing in
pain.
“Well, that’s certainly an irritating noise. Mutus“, she said with a
lazy wave of the wand.
“Much better. Now, would you like me to kill it, or would you like to torture
it for awhile?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Remember, this is a Mary Sue, so the rules about the Unspeakable Curses don’t
apply here. In fact, with these creatures, we’re encouraged to use them.”
“Before you get too wrapped up in this, Severus, could you direct me to Gryffindor
Tower?”
Tviokh turned to look at Severus for an answer and was met by a very malicious
looking smile.
“Out the door, to the left, up the stairs, to the right, and look for the
moving stairs.”
“If they’re moving, how on Earth….”
“I’m not a tour guide!” he snarled.
Tviokh hook her head, muttered something about him being a complete prat, and
left Severus to finish off his Mary Sue, “The castle’s not that large, I’ll
eventually either run into Gryffindor Tower or find someone who’ll take me
there.”
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Okay, so we got side tracked by Erinn Serena McBlarney, we’ll find Tatiana eventually…bad memories of a certain leprechaun Mary Sue happened to pop up at the moment.