Usual A/N: Don’t own any of it, never claimed to, so
don’t sue. ;)
Apologies to Rowling for mangling her characters.
I don’t particularly like Mary Sues, and would relish in the chance to purge
just about every fandom of them. However, since life is seldom fair, this is as
close as I can get.
I don’t take anonymous reviews; if you want to flame, that’s fine, but you’ll
not be doing it anonymously.
If you catch spelling, grammatical, or punctuation mistakes please tell me!
I look these over, I run spell check and the like, but things still get missed
on occasion.
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"What is HE doing here, Professor Dumbledore?!” exclaimed
a very shocked looking Harry.
Albus Dumbledore placed a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder, "Relax
Harry, he was invited."
Lord Voldemort smirked most evilly.
Harry glared, "What nitwit INVITED Voldemort to Hogwarts?!"
"I did.” said Dumbledore, in a most serious tone.
"Oh...sorry, sir", mumbled Harry.
Dumbledore smiled sadly, "He is afflicted with the same demons that are
affecting us all, Harry, including you."
Harry shuddered and closed his eyes.
Dumbledore continued, "Now then, Tom..."
Voldemort glowered at Dumbledore, “Lord Voldemort!” he snapped.
"My apologies.” Dumbledore gave a warm smile, "Now then, Lord Voldemort,
please tell the Hunter here the details of your..ah...infestation."
"Gladly!” exclaimed Voldemort, "Where to begin...where to begin...?
Or rather, with which one to begin..."
The Hunter, who had already had several minutes already wasted by the above exchange,
sat patiently while Lord Voldemort tried to pick a starting point.
"Albus, while Lord Voldemort here is collecting himself, may I introduce
myself to any ears that may be pressing against the door?"
Faintly, whispers of "Oh, bloody hell!", "Shhhh! Shh!",
"Ow! Watch it, Weasley!", "Sorry..." and the scrabbling of
shoes can be heard outside the office door.
"Certainly, he looks as though he's going to be awhile...” Dumbledore
sighed.
"Excellent," purred the figure in the chair in her best Monty Burns
voice, "It is now time for one of those scenes where the author talks to
the readers."
The figure in the chair waves her wand and gives the
proper incantation: “Tempus Incognitum! “[1]
"While the Dark Lord is thinking, let's take a moment to describe the
Hunter, shall we? Every Mary Sue needs at least a simple description, and if
you’ve read the first chapter, you’ll know that I have put on the mask of the
Mary Sue in order to get close to my quarry. Put simply, I am the Hunter. Yes,
that's right, me. If you don’t get the joke, perhaps you’ve failed to read the
very first chapter, in which case I’m going to need to ask you to turn back and
do so.”
“No bubbly Mary Sue descriptions of my looks here, just a general overview. My
hair is black, dyed of course, with any number of blond roots peeking out from
near my scalp, as I’ve been lazy lately. Eyes are a typical brown, not
chocolate, not ‘soft’, not ‘teddy bear fuzzy warm and caring’, just brown, and
I wear glasses as I have rather poor vision. No, they are not round Harry
Potter Clone glasses. You don’t want to know what I’d look like in glasses like
that! On any given day, I look like I failed to get enough sleep the
previous night.”
“In the Muggle world, I'd be called a member of the Canon Police and would be
called Tviokh unless you knew me really well, in which case you’d already know
my name. Here, my kind is simply referred to as "Hunters", because
I’ve not yet thought of a better name. My name here is also Tviokh, unless you
know me really well, in which case, you’d already know my name. We're
rather like Dementors, only not rotting knock-offs of the Nazgul."
The author stopped to grin at her own witty Lord of the Rings
remark, and then continued, "At any rate, my job here is to collect
information on some of the most infamous Mary Sues of the Wizarding World, and
rid it of their presence. While my superiors do prefer live capture, trial, and
life with no parole in Azkaban, I am authorized to kill on sight if the Mary
Sue in question would appear be too dangerous to attempt a capture. Just
between you, Harry, Dumbledore, Voldemort, the walls, and me I don't think I've
ever tried for live capture. I prefer a sustained Crucio followed by a
healthy dose of Avada Kedavra."
At the thought of torturing Mary Sues in that fashion, the author somehow
failed to notice Lord Voldemort frantically trying to get her attention,
"I'm ready! I'm ready, quit talking to yourself and take this down!"
The author glanced up at Voldemort, who looked rather silly waving his arms
like that, “Right, well, since the Dark Lord is ready to proceed, let's listen,
shall we? Ready?”
“Resumere!” [2]
"If you're quite finished talking to thin air, Miss
Tviokh, I'd like to give you the descriptions of my," Voldemort paused and
suppressed a shudder, "...Mary Sues..."
With a grin, Tviokh flipped her laptop open, "Go on..."
"What is THAT thing? You're a MUGGLE!” exclaimed a now horrified
Voldemort.
"Relax Tom...” Dumbledore began.
"LORD VOLDEMORT!” Voldemort corrected in a very sulky, but
still loud, tone, adding a foot stomp for good measure.
"If I were a Muggle, would I be so keen on using the Cruciatus
Curse on those I hunt?” Tviokh says, while flashing a wicked little smirk.
Voldemort brightened at the mention of the Cruciatus Curse, "I suppose not.
I was, however, unaware that Muggle...artifacts...would work here."
"It's running Windows", she shrugged.
Voldemort made a face not unlike that of someone drinking pickle juice, "I
see..."
"Just trust me on this, I type faster than I write, and unlike my
handwriting I'll be able to read this when we're finished.", Tviokh
paused, noticing Dumbledore pointing at the non-existent watch on his wrist,
"Now get going, Albus is paying me by the hour."
"Right!” Voldemort shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “Well the first
Mary Sue that I need help with is a girl who claims to be...my daughter."
"Hrm, you called me out here for that? That's commonplace, you should be
able to get rid of this one on your own, you ARE the Dark Lord, aren't
you?", Tviokh asked with a smirk, "You killed hundreds of people and
are one of two people,” she glanced briefly at Harry, “to be hit by the Death
Curse and live, for Merlin's sake!"
If looks could kill, Voldemort would've had her dead on the floor.
Harry snickered.
"Cram it, Potter!" snapped Voldemort, "Listen, this is no
ordinary 'daughter'! She...calls me...daddykins...and...Tommy..."
Voldemort found himself interrupted again by Harry falling to the floor in a
fit of giggles.
"POTTER!!!"
Harry covered his mouth and climbed back into his chair; "Sorry..."
he muttered with a stifled snicker, "Tommy..." and burst out into
giggles again.
Tviokh watched with quiet amusement as Voldemort reached for his wand; but
unfortunately for her, there was to be no magic show as Dumbledore stepped in
with, "Need I remind the two of you that you are on the same side in this
battle?"
"Sorry sir..." the pair mumbled in unison.
Tviokh raised an eyebrow, "Now then, this girl who refers to you as
'daddykins', does she have a name?"
"She calls herself Tatiana Marie Ariel Wyspyr Riddle."
"Any nicknames?" Tviokh asks with a wince.
"I heard Draco Malfoy refer to her as 'Angel' once!" Harry piped in.
From outside the door, muffled giggles could be heard, along with an
occasional, "Shut up, Weasley!!!"
"Angel...got it. Okay, what does she look like?"
Voldemort paused to think for a moment, "Well...she had ankle length black
hair...or was it red? Maybe it was blond…? Whatever color it was, it was wavy
and shone like stars in the night sky.”
"Oh PLEASE..." Harry rolled his eyes and made gagging motions.
Voldemort glowered in Harry’s general direction "...let's see, her eyes
were multi-colored, sometimes as blue as the sea, or as green as the leaves of
the evergreen...or red...that is, if she wanted to indicate she was related to
me." he buries his face in his hands out of sheer embarrassment, "she
also had full, pouty, always red lips...even when red clashed with her hair and
eyes..."
"Well, that's certainly disgusting. Granted, you're not much to look at in
this form, but hey; we can't all be beauty queens.” Tviokh offered up a smarmy
grin, “Anything else I should know about her?"
Voldemort nods, "Yes."
She waited for him to continue; after a good five minutes "...and perhaps
we could elaborate on what else I should know?"
"Oh, right, sorry, she's able to cast magic without a wand, and she can
block the Death Curse, so that will be ineffectual should you try to use
it."
"Bet she's not immune to an axe through the head." Tviokh says with a
snarky grin, "Say that gives me an idea! Harry, that house elf that used
to belong to the Malfoy family...ah...Dobby, I think his name was? Are you
still in contact with him?"
"He pops by from time to time, why?"
"I hear he's good at tampering with bludgers...."
"Well, he did do that once but..." the realization dawns on him,
"Oooohhhhh....I'll see if I can find him!"
With that said Harry leapt to his feet and took off in search of Dobby.
"And here you wanted to kill that boy, Voldemort." Tviokh remarked
with a smile.
"LORD..."
"Lord?" she inquired, not looking up from the laptop.
Voldemort bolted to his feet, "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!!"
he boomed as he began to pace in front of the fireplace, "I swear, you're
all hopeless. You think I sat for hours thinking up anagrams to my given
name, just to have you all cut it short?!"
"Anagrams?" Tviokh asked with a raised eyebrow, "Intriguing.
Say, what IS your real name?"
"Tom Marvolo Riddle."
"Tom Marvolo Riddle...." she paused to give this anagram revelation
some thought, "Ah, I see it now! You mean to tell me the most feared and
evil wizard in modern times is a fan of nerdy word games? Do you, by any
chance, play Scrabble?"
"Shut up." he snarled, as he sat back down and folded his arms across
his chest.
"Quit sulking, you're unattractive enough as it is!" Tviokh said with
a snicker, "At any rate Lord Voldemort, you indicated earlier that
you have more than one Mary Sue that's attached itself to you. Let's move on,
shall we?"
He glared at her, and then resumed speaking, "Gladly. The next foul girl
goes by the name Marielle Fleur Aislann Snape Riddle. She has everyone
believing that she's not only related to me, but is related to that brooding
Goth wannabe Severus as well. How's THAT for embarrassing?!"
He added with a cringe.
"At any rate, this 'daughter' of mine refers to me as either 'daddy' or
Voldie; usually Voldie. She has long, shimmering black hair and dresses in
black form fitting robes that hug all of her curves; you see, she's very, ah,
'advanced' looking for a 12 year old." Voldemort blushed slightly then
continues, "She sings like an angel, often impromptu. She has her own room
due to the fact that her staggering beauty intimidates other students, and her
skill in the Dark Arts frightens them, and refers to Severus as her 'Uncle'.
I must admit, I’m unsure as to how Severus could be her Uncle if I’m her
father. Even if I were related to him, I certainly wouldn’t go around
bragging about it.”
"From what I've seen, however, he does little to discourage it." he
adds with a sneer, "I mean can you imagine? ME, the most powerful wizard
of the last 100 years..."
Dumbledore coughed.
Voldemort shot him a look of pure venom "...being related to that weak
willed, bad tempered, cynical, sarcastic, big nosed, greasy haired, nasty
little git? I mean, I only let him join because Lucius felt sorry for the
little prat."
From outside the door, more muffled laughter was heard, along with, "Look
at that vein in his forehead!" and "50 points from Gryffindor and
detention!! For all of you!"
Tviokh rolled her eyes, "Ooookay then, Volde...er...Lord Voldemort,
do you know into which house these 'daughters' of yours were sorted?"
" Marielle Fleur Aislann Snape Riddle was an instant Slytherin",
Voldemort rolled his glowing red eyes, "and Tatiana Marie Ariel Wyspyr
Riddle was put into Gryffindor.”
"Well, I can see a weakness in the second girl already.”
Voldemort perked up, "What is it?!"
"She's in Gryffindor for starters. No relation of yours would end up in
Gryffindor."
"Thank you!"
"Quite welcome. Second, this Draco Malfoy refers to her as 'Angel'? From
the preliminary reports I received, it seems that Draco Malfoy loathes those in
Gryffindor with every fiber of his being; whether that's of his own doing or
done out of fear of what will happen at home if his father finds out he's
associating with Gryffindors remains to be seen."
Dumbledore interjected, "That makes sense, but how are these
weaknesses?"
"Simple Albus, it gives a foothold to distract them. Logic, especially
when coupled with canon, tends to freeze a Mary Sue like a deer in headlights!”
Dumbledore and Voldemort looked at each other and shrugged.
Tviokh waved her hand, “It’s a Muggle phrase. Anyway, once they're distracted,
it's much easier to get past their phenomenal defenses and get in a good blast
of Avada Kedavra!"
Voldemort's face split into a big grin...at Tviokh thought it was a grin; it’s
hard to read facial expressions on a ghoul..."Wonderful, wonderful! When
can you start the hunt?"
"I'll start on Tatiana immediately. Albus please keep a close eye on Draco
Malfoy and Severus Snape; I may need to bring them in for questioning. If there's
nothing else you need to tell me Volde...er...Lord Voldemort" she
corrected herself, "I'll be off."
"That is, unfortunately, all of the information I have for you. I try to
avoid contact with these 'daughters' if at all possible."
She nodded, "Fair enough. I'll report back shortly."
With that, Tviokh saved her notes, snapped her laptop shut, and headed out of
Dumbledore’s office…
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[1] ‘Time unknown’. Allows me to switch tenses for a moment for an introduction.
Yes, I made it up, deal with it.
[2] Er, that should be ‘resume’, as in ‘resume time’..I guess.