Usual A/N: Don’t own any of it, never claimed
to, so don’t sue. ;)
Apologies to Rowling for mangling her characters.
I don’t particularly like Mary Sues, and would relish in the chance to purge
just about every fandom of them. However, since life is seldom fair, this is as
close as I can get.
I don’t take anonymous reviews; if you want to flame, that’s fine, but you’ll
not be doing it anonymously.
If you catch spelling, grammatical, or punctuation mistakes please tell
me! I look these over, I run spell check and the like, but things still get
missed on occasion.
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Tviokh stood outside of the fairly non-descript statue [1] that lead to the
office belonging to the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry.
She was a fairly typical looking person by both Wizarding and Muggle standards;
average height, average weight, average build, dyed hair [2], plain brown eyes
which had a tendency to take the illusion of a rather disgusting shade of
yellow if she put on too much black eye makeup, faded black robes and glasses
that, although they were supposed to fit right, kept sliding down her nose. She
didn’t really need the glasses if she wasn’t reading, but felt that the age of
twenty four was much too young to start wearing her glasses on a chain.
Underneath the faded black robes could be found faded black pants, faded black
socks which rarely matched in shade or even style, and a faded black sweater.
In general she just looked rather, well, faded. Nothing spectacular, and very
easy to overlook.
Her outward personality was one of aloofness and distance, though when provoked
(as our Mary Sues would soon find) she could be rather quick and light on her
feet. Some had been known to say she looked
like she was not really paying attention to anything going on around her.
Her impossible to deal with hair was forever falling in her face, even if
clipped back; it had a tendency to slip out of clips or ties, so she tried to
just keep it tucked behind her ears. It worked roughly half the time. She also
had the unfortunate habit of smoking Djarum Blacks when stressed, but
Dumbledore had specifically told her that she was not allowed to do so on
school grounds, so she’d have to find another outlet if something came up.
She had been told in the past by others that she had nice lips, but Tviokh
figured that any lips are nice when one considers what people would look like
with no lips at all.
Tviokh had been known to spend a lot of time at Azkaban prison, where she poked
those in the deepest bowels (which were, of course, reserved for Mary Sues)
with pointed sticks for the sheer fun of hearing them squeal and whine. The
Dementors gave her wide berth ever since the comment she made likening them to
Nazgul rip offs with posture problems.
They weren’t fond of her, but having seen what she was capable of in the Mary
Sue pits, they preferred to stay on her good side.
The biggest reason they avoided her, however, was due to her liking of strange
slash parings [3]; none of the Dementors really wanted to kiss another Dementor
for obvious reasons.
Away from Azkaban, Tviokh was rather quiet and tended to keep to herself. She
could frequently be found tucked away in a corner somewhere with her nose
buried in a book. Despite the comments heard in passing that she was ‘cold’ or
somehow unfriendly, Tviokh was really a very friendly person...if she liked
you, that is.
Her main skills lay with the Dark Arts and Defense against said Dark Arts,
however. She was a nightmare with potions, as she had the bad habit of mixing
potions as she cooked: A pinch of this, a dash of that, and a smidgen of this.
It worked well for baked chicken, but tended to have explosive effects when
applied to potions. Tviokh was quite sure that her presence in class was the
sole reason her poor professor went mostly bald and totally gray before he hit
age thirty five. She recalled how the poor man used to wince every day when
she’d show up for class.
Transfiguration was another lesson in misery as Tviokh couldn’t seem to
transfigure her way out of a wet paper sack. She has requested that we not even
go in to the horrors of Arithmancy and Charms. Muggle Studies, The History of
Magic and other such classes were enjoyable, but provided no real use in the real
world unless one wished to become a librarian, live among Muggles, or teach a
class on the subject.
She was not an animagus, metamorphimagus or any other sort of strange hybrid,
so don’t even bother to ask or she may smack you upside the head with her wand.
Tviokh gave a small sigh of annoyance, “This is really taking too long, I don’t
think anyone really cares what I look like. Could we please get on with this?”
Her wish was granted as, at that moment, Dumbledore opened the door which led
to the stairs, which led to his office, “Ah, Tviokh! So glad you’re finally
here. Do come in so we can get started.”
She gave the Headmaster a small nod of agreement and entered the room…
********
Ending A/N
Due to a small number of People Who Just Don’t Quite Get It:
I will explain:
This is Mary Sue, that’s
the whole bloody point…but I can assure you Tviokh will never be:
1) Sorted
2) Taking Classes
3) Dueling
4) Snogging anybody except her husband, who is
not in the story as he thinks Tviokh is quite mad for doing this..
5) Staying at the school after The Purge (i.e.
once I get bored with this) …once Dumbledore pays me, I’m going back to
Azkaban, we’ve got special sections there for Mary Sues, and it’s quite a bit
of fun to poke them with sharp objects!
Although, had you read this first chapter, you’d already know this. I’m just
spelling it out clearly and in small words for certain folks.
That garbage is for serious
Mary Sues…or at least for people who think Mary Sues are a worthwhile form of
fanfiction.
As for me, I loathe them.
That’s where this comes in.
In case you’ve failed to notice already, this is in the HUMOR/PARODY
section of the Harry Potter subsection of the Book section of fanfiction.net
It’s in HUMOR/PARODY for a good reason, and if you can’t
figure out that reason, please visit m-w.com and look up both words.
That aside, I’ve said on several occasions as a half joke half threat, “I
swear, I need to create a Mary Sue that goes to Hogwarts with the sole purpose
of getting rid of all of the other Mary Sues. Once canon is restored, she’ll
leave.”
Now, if you’ve not seen those threads, where exasperation rising out of Canon
Rape (particularly Snape Rape and Everyone In The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
Rape) has made me utter such a threat, you’re forgiven for not quite getting it
at this point.
Characters, as you will probably notice, do go a bit OOC from time to time, but
this IS a HUMOR/PARODY fic so when they’re OOC
that’s really my point.
When my character is obviously breaking every canon rule that exists,
remembering that this is a HUMOR/PARODY fic, that really
is the whole point.
I can’t imagine canon!Voldemort would ever resort to a foot stomping tantrum,
nor would he put up with someone accusing him of liking nerdy word games even
if I do get the urge to yell it at the TV when watching the movie, or mutter it
at that point in the book. ;)
For that matter, I can’t imagine canon!Snape even allowing a person who would
call him “Sevvie” anywhere near his classroom.
I also can’t imagine canon!Snape letting me get away with half of the jabs I
take at him.
Sirius deserves it though, the great prat.
Now that that overly long
A/N is finished…
[1] Given all the bizarre architecture at Hogwarts, ‘door statues’ aren’t all
that impressive.
[2] My natural hair color is…kinda gray. Shut up.
[3] SQUICK! Dobby/Harry! Oh! Or, how about Hagrid/Dobby/Snape/Snitch?! What
about Harry/Firebolt? That’s it Tviokh…put the wine down…
If you’re really some sort of stalker freak and need to know what Tviokh looks
like, she looks exactly like me as this IS me…derrr..didn’t you read the above?
I have a homepage with pictures.
Find it yourself.
Move along, nothing more to see here. ^_^
Chapter 2
Review!